Now, first of all, as an experienced accountability partner, I don't mind a lot of "locker room" talk about sex, masturbation, sexuality, and anatomy issues. And, I handle a lot of discussion about sexual issues every day. Chances are that when a guy admits to me that he has masturbated – he is not the first guy that day to tell me that.
However, I find that when I set ground rules about what is appropriate to share and what is not appropriate to share for those that I keep accountable, it makes them feel much better, and they respect me more for setting those boundaries. Because when guys know how to share more openly and honestly about any sexual issue without being inappropriate, they share more freely about really matters in terms of recovery. And, that's what I want each of us to be able to do in our accountability relationships and in our support groups. I call it "Discussion Boundaries." So, the Code of Conduct here includes some some ground rules... about “Discussion Boundaries."
Code of Conduct for Accountability
Rule 1.) - Do not describe the "graphic" details of the phyiscal imagry of sexual experiences. This rule applies regardless of whether it was your own experience, the experience of others, or the things you saw in porn (or in fantasy), whether it in the past or stuff that's has occured recently.
You CAN talk all about times, triggers, emotions, & situations that made you vulnerable to temptation or when you fell into temptation. And those things are what really matters in terms of recovery.
And, you can talk openly and honestly and be blunt about sexual experiences. But, do so without painting the whole "pornographic" picture. For example, it's okay to say "and then we had oral sex" but, don't make others re-live every "sweaty detail" about it.
This also applies to sex in marriage. There will be single men in support groups that do not need to hear graphic discriptions of sex in marriage. So please keep that to a minimum. However, you may share openly and honestly about your sex life in marriage with your single accountability partner or a support group without the graphic details.
Also do not ask for "graphic" details like that from other people.
Rule 2.) - Do not describe sexual positions, or positions you use in masturbation.
For example: You can say that you use your hands to masturbate. However, do not describe what hand positions you use. You can say that you use an object to masturbate with, but don't go into detail about how you use it.
Do not go into detail about what specific sexual positions you used in real life, or saw in porn, or use in fanticy.
This also applies to sex in marriage. There will be single men in groups that do not need to hear graphic discriptions of sexual positions in marriage. So please keep that to a minimum. However, you may share openly and honestly about your sex life in marriage with your accountability partners or a group without the graphic details.
Also do not ask people to share sexual positions or masturbation positions.
Rule 3.) - Do not share your exact penis size or ask about the penis size of your accountability parnter (or anyone in a group). We don't need to know that information, and it's not helpful information.
Now, from time to time accountability partners may have discussions about penis size insecurity (because it can be a root issue for some guys' sexual sin). And, it's okay to mention situations where other guys have been bigger or smaller than you. But, we're not here to describe in inches or feet about how long or short our penises are (or how wide or narrow) etc.
Rule 4.) Don't LIE and don't hide any sexual sins.
A simple Bible reference will explain why I ask that we do not lie: "Thou shalt not lie."
If you feel uncomfortable sharing something that you've done recently or something in your past with a whole support group, feel free to contact your group facilitator or accountability partner by email or phone privately. But, don't just lie and hide your sexual sin from everyone entirely.
Rule 5.) Never engage in immoral conversation with your accountability parnter (or anyone from group), regardless of whether it takes place inside or outside of normal accountability sessions.
Always promote a safe enviroment that is free of immoral activity. Please use sexually pure Christ-like conduct as much as possible in your communication with other members both within group sessions and outside of group sessions.
Rule 6.) Never send or ask for pictures with any form of nudity in them, including pornographic pictures.
Do not send nude or sexually suggestive pics of yourself to your accountability partner. And, do not request the same. This avoids embarassment, feelings of awkwardness, and keeps the relationship focused on purity.
So, please do not exchange pictures that contain nudity or are sexually suggestive with your accountabilty partners.
Rule 7.) Do not act out while talking with your accountability partner or group, or solicit others to act out with you.
It is okay to mention that you are struggling with being horny right now, or struggling with impure thoughts, or even have looked at porn a few minutes ago.
However, it it innapropriate to masturbate, view porn, or search for webcam sex, while talking with your accountability partner(s). That is like asking them to talk with you while you have sex with a prostitute. It is not good for their recovery program.
And, if someone you are helping with accountability is doing that - ask them to either stop acting out or stop talking with you.
Please abide by these rules while talking with me and your accountability partners.
